Roma Callin'

We're headed to Rome tomorrow for six days!

I'm not really sure of what to expect from Rome. I mean...when I think of Rome, I think of the Pope and the Colosseum. I'm not really keen on either one of those. Rome is the third most visited European city, so it's going to be swarming with tourists. I know I'm a tourist but I'll have one and half Italians with me and a Kardashian, so I have an edge over the stereotypical tourist. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm almost positive that Rome is going to be crawling with varicose veins, straw hats, and velcro sandals.....otherwise known as OLD PEOPLE. Most tourists in Rome are geriatric Catholics from Indiana who want to come gawk at the Pope. Hopefully in that sea of the elderly I will locate some young travelers. Most specifically some young men. Actually, I'd just like to speak English with someone other than Cortney and Maria Assunta, her aunt.

Caterina, Cortney's wildchild of a sister, is meeting us in Roma and returning to Palermo with us. Caterina is definitely going to make the trip within the trip completely hysterical and chaotic, granted she is even more of a liability than Sergio's fifteen year-old ass. I kid, I kid. Catty is this smart ball-busting bitch with three-inch fake nails and an attitude to match. No one fucks with Catty. I'm just interested to see how it's going to work with two minors running around with us in Roma. They act older than they are, but when it comes down to it, they're still both children, thus, a fucking burden. I'm joking. I make jokes.

We're staying in the Pope's niece's apartment....Like, what? I was going to insert the word 'fucking' in the sentence before, but I probably shouldn't use the 'F word' and 'Pope' in the same sentence.....oh shit, I just did. I don't even know how we got hooked up with that papal pad, but I'm not complaining. As long as it doesn't have any creepy bleeding statues of the Virgin Mary or pictures of Jesus with thorns in his hands, then I'm happy. I need to show more respect for the Catholic religion though, I don't know where I get off talking like this in this holy country. My dad's entire family is Catholic. Hell, my own grandmother wakes up at 4 in the morning, makes salami sandwiches for my grandpa, and then goes to church and prays....probably for me and my nasty mouth. She once saw Bon Jovi at church, supposedly. But anyways, my dad called me today and told me I need to wear a veil when I go into the Vatican. Like, really? I guess I could. My mom told me not to curse in the Vatican. I'm going to have a problem with this, I think. Last week I let a 'Goddammit' slip in the Cathedral of Palermo, and I felt a bit bad, probably because I'm the only person who has ever said the Lord's name in vain in that place. This reminds me of the time Asia dropped something while waiting tables at the old people's home, and said 'Goddammit' in front of a retired Catholic priest named Father John. She said, "I'm really sorry", and walked away really fast. Now I know how she feels....like a complete asshole. It's hard to find an equilibrium between being an intelligent and classy woman and a cold hard bitch with a dirty mouth that could rival any construction worker's. Either way, Mama always taught me to be accepting and respectful of other religions and views and what not, so I will try my absolute hardest to keep my mouth shut.

Anyways, we'll be taking a day trip to Florence also, which will be quite nice. Florence has the most amazing architecture. I have an extreme passion for architecture. If I wasn't extremely bad at mathematics, I would have pursued architecture in college. Nothing gets me off more than seeing a Doric column on a bank in the states. Seeing an actual ancient Doric column is going to result in an eye-gasm. MIIIIII PERO. I can hardly fucking wait.

I'm really just excited to use my money belt, oh my gosh! I Can't wait to get robbed by Romanian gypsies in the center of city! No. I swear.....to someone that starts with a big capital G that if some assfuck tries to steal my purse, I will fight to my death for it. No one fucks with a $15 fake leather purse from H&M. If someone tries to snatch my canon rebel, it is war. Alexander the Great never conquered ancient Rome. Alexis the Great will start a fucking war that Alexander never could if someone tries to fuck with my camera. Take the clothes off my back, my credit cards, my last euro.....but if you decide to touch my camera I will fucking....I will fucking let you know.

Alright, now I'm just too worked up and I have some killer fucking sunburn that I need to have Sergio rub some aloevera on....But seriously, I could walk out of this villa in the nude and it would look like I'm just wearing a white bikini. I Burn then Tan bitches.

See you on the Spanish Steps, Ciao.
Dude, when in Rome. Fucking Finally