Best of Irvine: '10 version

The Original Best of Irvine 2010

Best Place to Sit and Play Cards- Irvine has a multitude of shopping centers that range from very classy and high end, to just plain dirty. Alton square is one of those dirty shopping centers that attracts people from all social classes because of the 24 hour Donut Star that is located in the heart of the center. The cops never show up to give loitering tickets, the ground is littered with cigarette butts even though there are various 'no smoking' signs posted up everywhere, and the chairs are nice and comfortable. You can be as rowdy and as loud as you need to be in any state of sobriety or lack thereof, and always know that nothing or nobody can bother you. It is perfect for playing cards, drinking coffee, and staring blankly at your peers.

Best Place to Be One With Nature Late at Night- When your night is looking bleak and all you want to do is enjoy the very few stars that dot the Southern California sky line, get out of your backyard and go somewhere else to chain smoke! Go to Peter's Canyon, if you can find it. Park your car on the street that says 'No Parking', and make a five minute trek down the pitch-black path to the trail. Complete with porta-potties and a cement sewer, it's perfect for large groups of teenagers with no agenda and a box of wine. Refrain from smoking things that increase paranoia, you might start to hear things rustling in the bushes that your overreactive imagination just can't handle.

Best Place To Get Caught Smoking Weed- If you're looking to get a possession of marijuana ticket, look no further than the notorious 'Lake Spot', which attracts every naive Irvine stoner. On any given night, you can hear the flick of a lighter and a spasm of coughs, if you are a middle-aged Asian woman walking your dog past the spot. Irvine's stoner youth likes to perch on rocks amongst clusters of thorny bushes and stare out at the rippling man-made lake and inquire about life and other 'deep' topics. Most conversations are interrupted by a bright flashlight and an exclamation from one friend to another that goes something like "Shit dude, Run!"

Best Place.....Ever- From middle school through college, every true Irvinian can agree that a great place to sober up is the Del Taco in the Woodbridge Center. Although it is not the best idea in the world to shove two 1/2 bean and cheese burritos down your face after a night of taking shot after shot of Absolut Raspberry, the Del Taco ladies' room is great place to vomit all two dollars and thirteen cents of it up. Don't worry about staining the grafitti-clad walls with your cherry coke and cheddar jack quesadilla puke, it probably looks better than it did before you got there. Del Taco makes any reckless Irvine teenage feel so safe, yet so unwanted, due to the fact that there is always a grumbling security guard telling you to leave once you've finished your five-star meal.

Best Way To Get Out Of Irvine- You have two choices: You can take the 76 OCTA bus line down to Newport Beach, or you can do well in high school so you can get into college. Good Luck with both of those things. Either way, you're probably going to end up in Santa Ana not knowing where the fuck you are.

Best Place To Go if You're Thirteen and Want To Get Some- Before entering high school and various vaginas around Irvine, middle school boys just want a place to go and grind and maybe eat a slice of pizza or two. The perfect place to get your boners up in a bunch is at the Heritidge community center every third friday of the month. Pre-teens from all five Irvine middle schools come together and find a way to make the DJ-censored rap songs work into one orgy of a night. If Irvine mothers' want to blame one thing for their 16 year-old daughter's addiction to fuzzy boots and ecstacy pills, they should trace it all back to the Heritidge dances. Truth is, your daughter has been getting her freak on since she was in 7th grade, except she was probably wearing more clothing.

Best Freeway to Take Out of Irvine- You have a few choices. Let's narrow them down. Don't take the 5 North, it only leads to disappointment and Fullerton. Don't take the 261, no one has $1.75 to spend on a toll road that only leads to Vegas, or worse......Riverside. Your best bet is to take the 405 North. Don't even bother going south. South can only lead to San Clemente or Mexico, and neither one of those are places that you want to be. The 405 North is a sure bet to get where you want to be going, even if you don't know where that is. If you decide that you only want to get out of Irvine for the day, merge onto the 55 South, and cruise your way into Costa Mesa. Go get something pierced or visit a morgue because the closest thing Irvine has to both of the those things is Claire's.